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當親密愛人變成敵人時----
What to Do When Your Partner Has Become Your Enemy By Sharon M. Rivkin elfgrowth
Where has all the love gone that you once felt for your partner? Do you seem to fight about everything? Has your partner become your enemy? How did it happen?
These are common questions I address time and time again in my private practice. The process of “building a case against our partner” begins quietly and unconsciously, so we hardly notice what we’re doing. The emotional battle often begins after the honeymoon phase of a relationship and reality has set in. Suddenly the one who could do no wrong, can’t seem to do anything right. The one who used to make us happy is slowly becoming the enemy…someone to defend against and distrust. We’re certain they’re doing things just to annoy us and make us angry. We retaliate by doing things to them that get the same result. Slowly we have forgotten that we love our partner and now wonder what to do.
One of the most important things to do to begin to regain the love you once had for your partner is to start giving them the benefit of the doubt, like you would a friend or even a stranger. In order to do this, remember these three things:
1. Don’t take everything your partner says PERSONALLY. In other words, don’t just react impulsively from JUST your emotions. Let your head help you to think about the situation and what’s been said, rather than assuming your partner is trying to hurt you. To help you NOT just react from emotions (taking a remark as a personal attack), try asking yourself these simple questions: How might I respond to my partner if I did not take what she/he is saying personally? What if what she/he is saying ISN’T about me? If this was true, would I hear her/him differently? Would I respond differently?
Example: Your partner’s had a hard day and has been unable to talk to anyone about it. Then you walk in and start talking about your day. All of a sudden your partner is angry that you never listen. If you take a minute to THINK about the situation, without immediately reacting, you may realize that your partner did have a hard day and needs to be HEARD, not necessarily that you NEVER listen. By not reacting to your own hurt, you might be able to be there for your partner…and then they’re more likely to be there for you. Again, a potential argument could transform into an intimate conversation.
2. What if I didn’t see my partner as my enemy? How would I respond if I still loved/liked my partner? How did I respond in the beginning of our relationship?
Do you want to be right or do you want a resolution for the argument? Do you want a healthy relationship? The healthiest relationships are the ones where both people can be right and have the opportunity to express their feelings and be heard. It only takes one person to change the pattern of the relationship. Be that person. Stop attacking and putting your partner on the defensive. Begin with an act of kindness to yourself and your partner by giving them the benefit of the doubt. By doing so, you begin to change the pattern of your relationship from negative to positive, from attacking to understanding, from fighting to intimacy, from enemy to friend, lover, and partner. One act of kindness goes a long way, leading to a different and healthier way of communicating.
Q:
What to do when your partner has become your enemy?
What to do when the love is gone?
Is your relationship over? Signs that find the love is gone?
What are the ways to regain love in a relationship?
Do you think that apologies that always work?
What are the ways resolve conflicts and solve relationship problems?
What to do when you feel irritated with your partner?
多吃蔬果 增加快樂感?
Eating Fruits and Veggies Will Boost Your Happiness By Luke Roney
An apple a day keeps the blues away? According to a new study, eating fruits and vegetables increases happiness. "However," researcher Andrew Oswald tells the New York Daily News, "French fries will not count." Researchers from England's University of Warwick and the University of Queensland in Australia examined the food journals of more than 12,000 people. "Happiness benefits" were noted for each extra portion of produce consumed each day. For people who went from eating little to no fruit and vegetables each day to eating eight portions, the "feel-good factor" was on par with that experienced when going from being jobless to employed. While the health benefits of eating produce are well-known, they don't offer immediate gratification: The "well-being improvements" kick in after about two years of adopting a high-produce diet.
According to an earlier CDC study, 76% of Americans failed to eat enough fruit, while 87% didn't eat their recommended daily amount of veggies. "People’s motivation to eat healthy food is weakened by the fact that physical-health benefits, such as protecting against cancer, accrue decades later," Oswald says in a press release. "However, well-being improvements from increased consumption of fruit and vegetables are closer to immediate.” As for why fruit and vegetable consumption may boost happiness, the authors say more research is needed. However, they do speculate that increased antioxidants in the blood may play a role. (These researchers found that butter consumption could reduce diabetes risk.)
Q:
Do you believe the idea that eating fruits and veggies will boost your happiness?
Do you believe the saying that “An apple a day keeps the blues away”?
Do you like eating fruit and vegetables? Why or why not?
Is a vegan diet healthy?
Is Eating Red Meat Bad for Your Health?
How to boost the "feel-good factor"?
How to choose healthy food?
當”愛”消聲匿跡。剩下的，就只有滿滿惡毒的祝福。 (謝斯斯)
「愛」這一字無數人沉淪其中。由古自今，不少人為了愛字一字留下多少的歡笑。但更甚的是，因為這一字而留下多少的眼淚。有人問︰愛人難？愛人難。難在維持、難在相守、難在……生活上的種種狀況不斷地改變，而人亦在改變。我們到底如何愛下去？愛人的確難，但分手更難。分手難在如何回復相愛前的狀態、相愛前的習慣、相愛前的種種。
因為即使相愛，但畢竟是兩個人。兩個人是完全獨立的個體，有自身的獨立思考，有不同的生活背景。有時候，甚至因接受過不同的教育，會有不同的世界觀。而愛人正正要去接受或迎合對方的想法、個性。在同一件事情上，當兩人有不同的看法時，又應該如何解決？兩人對對方各有寄望，如一方希望對方配合時，另一方亦願意跟隨當然很完美。但若另一方堅持自我而不願配合，事情又該何去何從？以我自身作一個例子，有些人認為相愛是兩個人常常待在一起。但我卻認為每個人都應該有自己的私人空間。正因為我抱有如此想法，但另一方認為愛情不應該是這樣的而鬧別扭。這時候，因為雙方對愛情有不同的看法，有不同的寄望，所以分歧出現了。這些不同的寄望會不斷擴展到不同的領域，例如上至生活上的小習慣，下至人生上的重大決定等，無孔不入。而愛情的難處在於如何去面對這一切的分歧，如何去面對兩人不同的寄望。其實只要兩人能互相配合對方的寄望，愛人或許不難。但現實是沒有人會真的可處處配合對方的寄望，所以愛人才會難。愛人的確會為人們帶來希望、溫暖、快樂。但當兩人對對方的寄望錯配時，真的很難愛下去。的確，愛人很難。
愛人已經難，但分手更難。分手的難比愛人更難上加難。因為兩人的身份角色轉換，令一切都回不去了。分手後，有人能依舊成為朋友,，但為數極少。但更多的是兩人由愛人的關係變成敵人或陌生人。其實分手之難在於角色上的轉變。
當愛一下子全部消聲匿跡。剩下的，就只有滿滿惡毒的祝福。當然這可能是太過於偏激的說法，但無可否認，分手後會有人對對方心存恨意。過了一段日子後，就整個人沈浸在傷心難過的氣氛中，久久不能復原。
分手的另一難在於習慣上的改變。因為兩人在一起的時候，總是可以依賴對方。有什麼事情可以和對方分享、分擔。但在分手之後，一切都變了。在你遇上問題的時候，你已經不可以再找那個曾經很熟悉的人分擔、求救。我在戀愛中的時候亦會主動去尋找男朋友，其實有時候並不是因為發生了重大的事情找會去找。而是無論大小二事，無聊的時候都會去找他聊天、打鬧等。但當分手之後，當發生了問題時，你會突然發現一直屬於自己的避風港不見了。在那一刻，我並不知道如何是好。這種感覺是十分徬徨無助的。因為你已經習慣了有一個陪伴的存在，所以當失去的那一剎，你會變得無所適從。這些習慣是十分可怕的，因為當你已經習慣了某些事情時，要強行和快速改變是一件十分困難的事。
即使分手是一件難受的事情，但當發生的時候。我們也只能默默接受。因為有些事情並不是掌握在我們自己的手中。所以分手後，重點應該放在我們如何去面對分手這件事和如何去調整自己的觀念和改變自己的行為，從而減低對自己對別人的傷害。
有人問︰為什麼要減低對別人的傷害？有時候分手的理由不一定發生在別人的身上，而亦可能是因為自己的見異思遷，但當然這亦不是一個好的理由和藉口。在分手後，我們不要把分手的理由傳揚出去，無論自己對或否。當然，分手的時候很難過，免不了會生對方氣和與自己的好朋友大談對方的缺點等。但這些對談的行為亦存在於對自己的好朋友身上就足矣，並不用大肆宣揚。畢竟雙方曾深愛過，又何必把場面鬧得難看。這，亦是對對方留下最後的尊重和減低對別人的傷害。
但其實在分手後，對自己的調整是更重要的。因為分手之後，整個人的情緒會變得十分不穩定，甚至有人更會不進食或暴飲暴食。所以在分手後，更要好好善待自己，不要因為分手而忽略自己生理上和心理上的健康。
首先在觀念上，要努力說服自己「下一個會更好」因為有些人在分手後總會埋怨自己哪裡做得不夠好，才導致分手這個局面。亦會有人埋怨對方不專一、指摘是對方的錯等。但這都並不是一個可以減低對自己傷害的做法，反而更進一步傷害自己。所以第一步要跟自己說下一個會更好，因為分手其實是指出了兩人的不適合，有時候並沒有誰對誰錯，反而應該要更正面和樂觀地看待這件事，要明白到自己與他人的不適合，早日走出過去的回憶，又何必苦苦埋怨。
另外，還要明白時間會沖淡一切。因為分手可能只是下子突如其來地發生了，有時候我們只是不適應這個太突然的轉變。但其實只要我們給予自己多一點時間，讓自己平靜下來，慢慢地適應分手這件事，一切並不會太辛苦去渡過。而且亦有人說時間是最好的良藥，他會慢慢地治癒好我們的傷口。
在行動上，我認為可以主動作出一些小改變，例如︰尋找一下新的興趣或發展舊有的興趣等。因為當我們作出一些小改變後，會發現世界很大，並不只是剩下愛，我們還可以做很多不同的事情。亦會有人把時候的時間表排得密密麻麻，想用忙碌去讓自己忘掉一切。我認為在短時間內是可行的，但亦不可以過度地讓自己太過忙碌，不知不覺傷害自己。
另外，我亦在自己分手後做了一件事情，就是記錄自己每天的心情，直至到有一天，你會突然發現他已經不再重要。為什麼要做這件事情﹖其實在分手的當下，每個人都一定會傷心難過，但當時間過去後，你便會發現一切都淡了。而當你曾記錄下那時分手的心情，在一段時間過去後，回頭再看，你會發現當時的自己很天真很可愛。當自己的記錄中回望，你會覺得自己經歷了很多，成長不少。這其實亦可以裝備自己在下一次的戀愛中更加成熟。當有一天，你發現自己對於這段往事引發你的是一抹微笑時，你就會發現自己痊癒了、長大了。
的確，愛人難。分手更難。但愛是人生不可缺少和難以逃避的這一環。所以我們應該要做的是勇敢面對愛和去愛。並不要因為害怕受傷害而止步。
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