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10 Traits of Exceptionally Charming People huffpost.com
Sure, everyone knows blunt, impolite, and even rude people who are somehow extremely successful. (I know a bunch of them.)
But since we’re all more likely to do business and build professional and personal relationships with people we like, we’re naturally drawn to people who are polite, modest, agreeable, kind. In short, people who are charming.
I know a bunch of them too, and here’s how they do it:
1. They always show they’re genuinely glad to meet you. When you feel someone “gets” you, respecting your opinion, your point of view, your experience — whatever you’re communicating — then you naturally feel more important. The other person doesn’t have to agree with you; they just have to show they respect you.
How?
They maintain eye contact. They smile when you smile. They frown when you frown. They nod your head when you nod. In simple, nonverbal ways, they mimic your behavior — not slavishly, but because they’re focused on what you’re saying.
That feedback loop helps two people bond — and the ability to bond is the essence of charm.
2. They sometimes show a little vulnerability. Two Masters of the Business Universe meet for the first time. Instantly, they play an unstated but nonetheless obvious game of “Who’s More Successful?” They work hard to one-up the other. After all, life is about winning, right?
Charming people don’t try to win any unstated competitions with people they meet. In fact, they actively try to lose. They’re complimentary. They’re impressed. They’re even willing to admit a weakness or a failure.
It’s really easy. Say you meet Admiral Trump and he says, “I just closed a fabulous deal to build the world’s best golf course on the most amazing oceanfront property on the planet.” Don’t try to win. Instead say, “That’s awesome. I’m jealous. I’ve wanted to build a small recreation facility for years, but can’t line up the financing. How did you pull off such a huge deal?”
Charming people are confident enough to be unafraid to show a little vulnerability. They know that while some people may be, at least temporarily, impressed by what’s artificial, everyone sincerely likes and appreciates the genuine.
3. They consistently search for agreement instead of contradiction. We’re trained to discuss, to challenge, to advocate for the devil, because exchanging opinions, especially different opinions, is how we separate the wheat from the idea chaff. Automatic agreement doesn’t help.
Unfortunately, going contrary is an easy habit to fall into. It’s easy to automatically look for points of disagreement rather than agreement. It’s easy to automatically take a different side.
And it’s easy to end up in what feels like an argument.
Charming people don’t actively (or unknowingly) look to disagree; they look for points of agreement. Then, if it’s appropriate, they gently share a different point of view — and in that way, help create an outstanding conversation.
4. They (selectively) use the power of touch. Nonsexual touch can be incredibly powerful. (I’m aware that sexual touch can be powerful too, thanks.) Touch can influence behavior, increase the chances of compliance, make the person doing the touching seem more attractive and friendly, and can even help you make a sale.
For example, in one experiment the participants tried to convey 12 different emotions by touching another blindfolded participant on the forearm. The rate of accuracy for perceiving emotions like fear, anger, gratitude, sympathy, love, and disgust ranged from 43 percent to 83 percent — without a word being spoken.
Say you’re congratulating someone; shaking hands or (possibly better yet, depending on the situation) patting them gently on the shoulder or upper arm can help reinforce the sincerity of your words.
5. They often dine out on their foibles. Charming people willingly admit their mistakes. They don’t mind serving as a cautionary tale. They don’t mind being a source of laughter, for others and for themselves.
And they’re also not afraid to look a little silly. Skating in a cowboy outfit may be a little extreme, but charming people don’t mind occasionally being in a situation where they aren’t at their best.
(And oddly enough, people tend to respect them more for that — not less.)
When you own your foibles, people don’t laugh at you. They laugh with you. And they realize it’s OK to let down their own guards and meet you at a genuine level.
6. They’re masters of social jiu-jitsu. Some people have a knack for getting you to talk openly yourself. They ask open-ended questions. They sincerely want to know what you think, and that makes you open up to a surprising degree. You feel like the most interesting man (or woman) in the world.
And you like them for making you feel that way.
As soon as you learn something about someone, ask why they do it. Or how. Or what they like about it, or what they’ve learned from it. Charming people ask sincere questions that make it easy to answer in a thoughtful, introspective way. They make you think, in a good way, about yourself, and in the process make you feel charming too.
7. They always pass the waiter test. Some people put on a great show in certain situations, but they don’t try nearly as hard when they think a person is beneath them. I like to call it the waiter test: If you really want to know how an individual treats people, take him to lunch. How he interacts with the waiter is a much better indication of his interpersonal skills than how he interacts with you.
Charming people treat everyone the same way: as deserving of respect and kindness.
8. They’re great with names. If there’s anything worse than that sinking feeling you get when you forget someone’s name, especially someone’s name you really should remember, it’s realizing that another person has forgotten your name—and maybe doesn’t even remember who you are.
Charming people remember names and even small details, often to a surprising degree. The fact they remember instantly makes us feel a little prouder and a little better about ourselves. And that makes us feel better about them.
Charming people remember names, but ...
9. They never name drop. I have a friend who somehow manages to squeeze the fact he once met Jeff Gordon into every conversation.
“I’m planning to weather treat my deck this weekend,” I’ll say.
“You know, I was sitting on my deck last weekend listening to the race ... Jeff Gordon was leading for a while but he had engine trouble. If I know Jeff Gordon — and I do — I bet he was really disappointed.”
Charming people may know cool people, but they don’t talk about it. And that only adds to their charm.
了解優缺點
How to Identify Your Strengths and Weaknesses
Jonathan Michael
What are you good at?
That’s a question we all want to know about ourselves, as well as the question that occasionally comes after it: What aren’t you good at?
If you don’t know how to answer those questions about yourself, keep reading—I’ll help you come to a better knowledge of yourself.
1. First, create two lists
Before you use any outside sources to help identify your strengths and weaknesses, I’d recommend that you spend about 30 minutes alone creating two lists.
Your first list is going to be centered on your business or entrepreneurship goals. Call it something like, “Skills Needed to Succeed.”
Don’t worry about whether you’ve thought of every possible skill required for your business to succeed. This is meant to be an overview, and is fairly general. Depending on your business, it might list things like, “an understanding of the market,” “business development,” “website development,” or “product expertise.” Once you’ve completed your list, highlight the skills that you already have, and put a star next to the ones you think you’ll need to develop. Then, set this list aside—you’ll come back to it later.
The next list you’re going to create requires you to be completely honest about yourself. You can create two columns, one called “Strengths” and the other called “Weaknesses.”
Depending on your personality, you’ll find one of these columns a lot easier to fill out. I can only encourage you by suggesting that you do your best to be objective. Don’t beat yourself up over what you think are major flaws, and don’t overestimate how great your strengths are. Just write them down, and move on.
You also don’t need to have a comprehensive list of 100 strengths and weaknesses. If you’ve included more than 10-15 items in each column, then you’re probably starting to focus too much on strengths and weaknesses that aren’t that significant.
Examples of what you might add to this list range from aspects of your character, like “calm under pressure” or “achievement-driven,” to technical skills you may have, like “HTML expertise” or “project management experience.”
The purpose of this list will be to start off with some general ideas that you have about yourself, and then get input from other sources to help you refine your list.
To help you think about what to include in your strengths and weaknesses, try asking yourself questions like:
What am I good at?
What have others complimented me about?
What have others had to help me with on more than one occasion?
Which projects and tasks seem to drain my energy?
Which projects have I spent hours on without getting tired?
What are my hobbies, and why do I like doing them?
After you’ve spent some time honestly assessing your strengths and weaknesses, it’s time to get input from those closest to you: a significant other, your mentor, close friends, or family members.
2. Talk to people you trust
The problem with using a list of strengths and weaknesses that only you’ve completed is that you have a biased opinion of yourself. Most people think too highly of themselves, or too little of themselves.
If you’re like me, then you somehow manage to do both at the same time. We all need some kind of “sounding board” to help us gain clarity and get closer to the truth about ourselves. That’s where other people come in handy.
Try thinking of three to five people whose opinions you trust, and who have had the chance to live or work with you for an extended period of time. You want people who have observed your behavior and character in a number of different situations. For most people, that group will include a significant other, perhaps a mentor or advisor, a best friend, one or more siblings, or your parent(s).
The length of your relationships isn’t the only thing to consider. The most important thing is whether or not you value or trust their opinion of you. Some friends and family members will be too biased—they either think everything you do is amazing, or their opinions have been hurtful and destructive in the past. Carefully select people who have a good track record of being balanced and helpful, even when they’ve needed to tell you something that you didn’t want to hear.
Once you’ve got a group of people selected, reach out to them. You can go out to coffee with each of them, or simply send an email with some questions and ask for their honest feedback.
When you reach out to them, make sure you give some context as to why you’re asking for their opinion. Tell them that you want to start a business, and that in order to be successful, you’re trying to take stock of your strengths and weaknesses. Ask them what it is about you that they think will contribute to your success. Then, ask them to tell you the weaknesses you have that may cause you to fail.
As you receive feedback, start adding more details to your two lists. You’ll start to see that some of the strengths and weaknesses you listed are confirmed by those you trust, while others that you listed aren’t as significant to the people who have spent time with you.
3. Take a personality test
In addition to the time you’ve spent thinking about yourself and the opinions you’ve gathered from others, personality tests are another useful resource to help you identify strengths and weaknesses. Here are some of my favorites:
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI):
The MBTI test is the gold standard for corporate-level personality tests. Several years ago, my previous employer paid for an instructor to administer the tests and coach us through our results (I’m an ENFP, in case you were wondering).
The test measures you within a framework of four areas: energy (introvert versus extrovert), decision-making, taking in information, and approaching the outside world.
You can take the official test for $49.95, but if you’d like to start with a free version of a similar kind of test, try the Jung Personality Test.
DISC Personality Testing
Another highly favored, corporate-level personality test. At another job, I went on a two-day work retreat with my coworkers. Amidst the full schedule of ice-breakers, ropes course excursions, and games, we also discussed which DISC type we were, and how we could best relate to each other (I’m a D/SI, by the way).
Again, there’s a full assessment that you can purchase for $29, or you can try their free assessment.
StrengthsFinder 2.0
When I was in college, I was on the executive team of our student government. We were required to read two books that were developed by the Gallup Organization: “First, Break All the Rules” and “Now, Discover Your Strengths” (which has since been republished as StrengthsFinder 2.0).
Included in the books was a code to take the Strengths Finder test, which determines your top five “talent themes” (mine were Achiever, Ideation, Harmony, Learner, and Woo). You’ll need to buy the book—the Kindle ebook is only $10.99—in order to get an access code for the test.
However, out of all these personality tests, the StrengthsFinder test is most geared toward helping you understanding the unique talents you have to offer the world.
How to Fascinate
Most recently, I helped the team at Palo Alto Software complete a new personal assessment test created by Sally Hogshead for her book, “How the World Sees You.” After answering 28 questions, this test will place you in one of 49 possible “Archetypes.”
What makes this test unique is that it approaches the results from an aspect of branding: What makes you unique, and how should you use that to communicate your strengths to others? The results also give you your “dormant” advantage, which is another way of discussing a possible weakness.
Again, if you buy the book, you’ll get an access code for a full report, but you can also take the test for free.
Are You Entrepreneur Material?
This one’s more for fun. It’s our new Bplans Quiz, and when you answer seven questions, we’ll tell you whether or not you’re ready to start your own business.
This one’s meant to be light-hearted, but don’t be surprised if it ends up being fairly accurate, and gives you some ideas about how to grow and develop new skills.
Disclaimer: Personality tests are a bit like horoscopes—they’re just general enough that they can apply to as many people as possible. More often than not, your result will be mostly accurate to how you see yourself, while missing the unique details that really make you who you are.
If you can combine the broad strokes of a personality test with the fine details provided by your own self-assessment and input from others, you’ll start to get a pretty good picture of your strengths and your weaknesses. Personality tests are also really useful for giving you some common language and terms to express your strengths and weaknesses.
4. Try new things
One problem with identifying strengths and weaknesses comes when you have a lack of experience. In some cases, you might look at your list of weaknesses and notice that it mostly boils down to “I don’t know, I’ve never tried.” For instance, how do you know if you have an athletic or artistic ability if you’ve never tried to do something athletic or artistic?
I’m a big believer in pushing yourself to grow by doing things you’ve never done before. To be honest, if you’re reluctant to try new things, then here’s your instant personality test result: don’t be an entrepreneur.
However, if you’re interested in trying new things to identify your strengths and weaknesses, here are some groups of experiences that won’t require a lot of time or money:
Creative experiences:
Painting/Drawing: Grab a brush, some cheap paints, and some paper (or a canvas), and follow along as you watch a YouTube tutorial video.
Singing: Maybe you’ve avoided a karaoke bar so far, but push past your fear of embarrassment, and sing some of your favorite songs.
Dancing: YouTube will come in handy again, as there are thousands of dance tutorial videos. In the privacy of your own home, you can practice again and again until you think you’ve got a dance down.
Video: We live in an incredibly exciting time where many of us have the basic equipment required to make a video with movie-level quality, right in our pocket. Challenge yourself to create a 15 or 30 second video with one primary objective: get your viewers to have an emotional response.
10 Traits of Exceptionally Charming People huffpost.com
Sure, everyone knows blunt, impolite, and even rude people who are somehow extremely successful. (I know a bunch of them.)
But since we’re all more likely to do business and build professional and personal relationships with people we like, we’re naturally drawn to people who are polite, modest, agreeable, kind. In short, people who are charming.
I know a bunch of them too, and here’s how they do it:
1. They always show they’re genuinely glad to meet you. When you feel someone “gets” you, respecting your opinion, your point of view, your experience — whatever you’re communicating — then you naturally feel more important. The other person doesn’t have to agree with you; they just have to show they respect you.
How?
They maintain eye contact. They smile when you smile. They frown when you frown. They nod your head when you nod. In simple, nonverbal ways, they mimic your behavior — not slavishly, but because they’re focused on what you’re saying.
That feedback loop helps two people bond — and the ability to bond is the essence of charm.
2. They sometimes show a little vulnerability. Two Masters of the Business Universe meet for the first time. Instantly, they play an unstated but nonetheless obvious game of “Who’s More Successful?” They work hard to one-up the other. After all, life is about winning, right?
Charming people don’t try to win any unstated competitions with people they meet. In fact, they actively try to lose. They’re complimentary. They’re impressed. They’re even willing to admit a weakness or a failure.
It’s really easy. Say you meet Admiral Trump and he says, “I just closed a fabulous deal to build the world’s best golf course on the most amazing oceanfront property on the planet.” Don’t try to win. Instead say, “That’s awesome. I’m jealous. I’ve wanted to build a small recreation facility for years, but can’t line up the financing. How did you pull off such a huge deal?”
Charming people are confident enough to be unafraid to show a little vulnerability. They know that while some people may be, at least temporarily, impressed by what’s artificial, everyone sincerely likes and appreciates the genuine.
3. They consistently search for agreement instead of contradiction. We’re trained to discuss, to challenge, to advocate for the devil, because exchanging opinions, especially different opinions, is how we separate the wheat from the idea chaff. Automatic agreement doesn’t help.
Unfortunately, going contrary is an easy habit to fall into. It’s easy to automatically look for points of disagreement rather than agreement. It’s easy to automatically take a different side.
And it’s easy to end up in what feels like an argument.
Charming people don’t actively (or unknowingly) look to disagree; they look for points of agreement. Then, if it’s appropriate, they gently share a different point of view — and in that way, help create an outstanding conversation.
4. They (selectively) use the power of touch. Nonsexual touch can be incredibly powerful. (I’m aware that sexual touch can be powerful too, thanks.) Touch can influence behavior, increase the chances of compliance, make the person doing the touching seem more attractive and friendly, and can even help you make a sale.
For example, in one experiment the participants tried to convey 12 different emotions by touching another blindfolded participant on the forearm. The rate of accuracy for perceiving emotions like fear, anger, gratitude, sympathy, love, and disgust ranged from 43 percent to 83 percent — without a word being spoken.
Say you’re congratulating someone; shaking hands or (possibly better yet, depending on the situation) patting them gently on the shoulder or upper arm can help reinforce the sincerity of your words.
5. They often dine out on their foibles. Charming people willingly admit their mistakes. They don’t mind serving as a cautionary tale. They don’t mind being a source of laughter, for others and for themselves.
And they’re also not afraid to look a little silly. Skating in a cowboy outfit may be a little extreme, but charming people don’t mind occasionally being in a situation where they aren’t at their best.
(And oddly enough, people tend to respect them more for that — not less.)
When you own your foibles, people don’t laugh at you. They laugh with you. And they realize it’s OK to let down their own guards and meet you at a genuine level.
6. They’re masters of social jiu-jitsu. Some people have a knack for getting you to talk openly yourself. They ask open-ended questions. They sincerely want to know what you think, and that makes you open up to a surprising degree. You feel like the most interesting man (or woman) in the world.
And you like them for making you feel that way.
As soon as you learn something about someone, ask why they do it. Or how. Or what they like about it, or what they’ve learned from it. Charming people ask sincere questions that make it easy to answer in a thoughtful, introspective way. They make you think, in a good way, about yourself, and in the process make you feel charming too.
7. They always pass the waiter test. Some people put on a great show in certain situations, but they don’t try nearly as hard when they think a person is beneath them. I like to call it the waiter test: If you really want to know how an individual treats people, take him to lunch. How he interacts with the waiter is a much better indication of his interpersonal skills than how he interacts with you.
Charming people treat everyone the same way: as deserving of respect and kindness.
8. They’re great with names. If there’s anything worse than that sinking feeling you get when you forget someone’s name, especially someone’s name you really should remember, it’s realizing that another person has forgotten your name—and maybe doesn’t even remember who you are.
Charming people remember names and even small details, often to a surprising degree. The fact they remember instantly makes us feel a little prouder and a little better about ourselves. And that makes us feel better about them.
Charming people remember names, but ...
9. They never name drop. I have a friend who somehow manages to squeeze the fact he once met Jeff Gordon into every conversation.
“I’m planning to weather treat my deck this weekend,” I’ll say.
“You know, I was sitting on my deck last weekend listening to the race ... Jeff Gordon was leading for a while but he had engine trouble. If I know Jeff Gordon — and I do — I bet he was really disappointed.”
Charming people may know cool people, but they don’t talk about it. And that only adds to their charm.
10 Traits of Exceptionally Charming People huffpost.com
了解優缺點
How to Identify Your Strengths and Weaknesses
Jonathan Michael
What have others complimented me about?
What have others had to help me with on more than one occasion?
Which projects and tasks seem to drain my energy?
Which projects have I spent hours on without getting tired?
What are my hobbies, and why do I like doing them?
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI):
DISC Personality Testing
StrengthsFinder 2.0
How to Fascinate
Are You Entrepreneur Material?
Creative experiences:
Singing: Maybe you’ve avoided a karaoke bar so far, but push past your fear of embarrassment, and sing some of your favorite songs.
Dancing: YouTube will come in handy again, as there are thousands of dance tutorial videos. In the privacy of your own home, you can practice again and again until you think you’ve got a dance down.
Video: We live in an incredibly exciting time where many of us have the basic equipment required to make a video with movie-level quality, right in our pocket. Challenge yourself to create a 15 or 30 second video with one primary objective: get your viewers to have an emotional response.
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