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timesofindia.indiatimes.com
If there is a time to reflect upon what married life has in store for you, trust me, you will realise it only after it’s too late. I married my boyfriend after being in a relationship for five years. By the time we took the plunge, I believed that our relationship has gone through the best and worst phases and nothing can shake our love for each other. But marriage was a different ballgame altogether and I discovered these ugly truths about love only after tying the knot.
02/7I no longer had his undivided attention!
When we were dating, I never had to worry about his attention because he was the devoted boyfriend that every girl wished for. But the situation changed after we got married. Although we lived under the same roof yet I craved for his attention because, with so many people around (we lived in a joint family), he also had to pay attention to them.
03/7We were a family first, a couple later
We were no longer that carefree couple who had the luxury to be whimsical and do whatever they wanted. But marriage taught me an important lesson: you are a family first, and a couple later. We had to consult the elders before taking any important decision. For example, when we wanted to go for a vacation abroad, we had to plan after making sure our absence would not be an inconvenience for the rest of the family. After being married, love is also about loving each other's family.
04/7We hardly exchanged ‘I Love You’
This is the biggest change I noticed in our love life—my husband rarely says, ‘I love you’. When we were dating, there was not a single day when he didn’t utter these three magical words. For that matter, I also used to confess my love for him often. We no longer exchanged sweet nothings and strangely, we didn’t complain about it either. It seemed we felt more secure and were happy to feel the love rather than convey it through words or actions.
05/7I became a little careless
Before tying the knot, I used to put efforts to win his appreciation and affection. Dressing up before meeting him or wearing his favourite perfume, planning a date at his favourite restaurant—I did all these because, believe it or not, I just wanted to remind him how much I loved him. But marriage made me take his love for granted. I no longer felt the need to dress up to impress him or to do something special every day to prove my love for him.
06/7I fought for space!
While we were dating, we could hardly wait to meet each other. Now that we were staying in the same house and spending considerable time in each other’s company, I started craving for ‘me-time’. There were days when I missed my old room and wanted to lock myself up in a room alone. But it wasn’t possible. Sometimes, I wondered if it’s possible to feel the same for a person you loved so much. Was I no longer in love with him? Then why did I resent spending so much time together?
07/7We saved not to splurge on each other but to purchase a car or house
Our target for saving money changed drastically. Earlier, we used to save mostly to splurge on each other or to buy gifts for special occasions. The number of roses he gave me or the weekend trips we took together measured the love we had for each other. Things changed after we got married. We were planning to buy a new car and we counted every penny and whatever savings we had, we planned to spend it on the car. It was no longer about buying things for each other but we were purchasing things like a couple, things that we could use together. Love changed-from impressing each other to working for a secure future together!
Strategies to respond to someone who is angry - liveyourtruestory.com
We all lose our cool from time to time; some of us more frequently than others. When we get angry, we like to be treated properly. We like to get a fair hearing and, we tend to appreciate when somebody attempts to help us deal with the issue which is troubling us so that we may get back on track. Many times in life, the shoe will be on the other foot and we will have to respond to someone who is angry. If you respond to someone who is angry in an inappropriate manner, you are likely to escalate the situation. Alternatively, when you respond to someone who is angry in the right manner, you quickly restore normality, reduce tension and stress and, in some cases, you can even establish the foundations of an effective relationship.
Have you ever been in the awkward situation where someone you were with became totally frustrated and angry? Were you unsure as to how you were supposed to react to something like that? The following are some strategies which you can use to respond to someone who is angry and help to create a more amicable environment.
1. Just listen
When someone is angry, you rush to try and resolve the situation. However, this is the worst thing that you can do. Before you can resolve a troublesome situation, you need to understand the situation and, why the angry person has a problem with it.
When angry, people become emotional and use emotional and provocative language. This may trigger an emotional response in you, however, it is imperative that you focus on listening deeply to the core message that the angry person is expressing. When you focus solely on listening for the core message, you tend to ignore the emotional language and find it easier to understand their argument (even if you do not agree with it).
In addition, if you allow the other person to fully express their anger, they soon run out of steam and start to calm down. Once they are calm, you can start your attempts to resolve the situation.
Key point
As difficult as it can be, you need to listen to what the other person has to say, before you start jumping in with solutions. Otherwise, they feel that you don’t care enough to listen, which is only going to make them more emotional. You need to take the emotion out before you respond to someone who is angry.
2. Don’t worry about whether you agree with them or not
You may find it difficult to respond to someone who is angry because you feel that you cannot agree with their viewpoint. In reality, you do not need to agree with the other person and few, if any, people expect others to always agree with them.
When someone is angry, the most important thing for them is to be listened to and, for the other person to do their best to resolve the issue, even if it does not bring them the result that they would prefer.
Unless they’re angry with you and you’re personally involved in the situation, refrain from sharing your own feelings about whatever is happening to agitate the other person. Even if they are angry with you; it is best to hear them out first before you attempt to formulate your response. Once you have heard them out, they will see that you are genuine in your desire to resolve the situation as amicably as possible.
When you respond to someone who is angry, it is important that they understand your desire to be supportive. You want to help them., if possible, to get the best possible outcome from the situation. The act of genuinely caring is a very good start and, from there you can help them in whatever way possible. Often, caring is enough for them to find their feet again.
Key point
Being supportive does not mean agreeing with something you do not agree with or, accepting responsibility for their problems. It also does not mean that you should push your views or suggestions on them. It is about helping them find the right way forwards for them.
When you respond to someone who is angry; you don't have to agree with them. What they want most is somebody to listen and understand what they are going through.
3. Relate and empathise
Once you feel that you have gained an understanding of the issue, you can attempt to communicate it to the other person. You could say something like:
“I hear what you are saying …."
“I see your point of view …”
“I feel that …”
You are not required to accept responsibility where it is not yours to take and you are not required to apologise, however, you should never attempt to relate or empathise unless you are sincere. When you relate with him, the angry person will usually feel understood and, therefore, his anger will begin to dissipate.
Relating to the other person and, empathising with them, is critical when responding to an angry person. Even though it requires subtlety of body language, tone of voice and words, you are effectively screaming to the other person that you respect them. You are telling them that you want to treat them in a dignified manner.
It is important to remember that anger often arises because the person feels disrespected so, demonstrating that you do respect them helps to calm them down.
Key point
When you disagree with the person who is angry, empathy helps them to see that you are not personalising the issue. You communicate that your problem is with their behaviour, ideas etc; not who they are as a person.
4. Trust your instincts to protect yourself
Most people won’t become threatening or physically aggressive when they get angry but you should trust your instincts. If at any point you feel that the discussion is heading in that direction; tell the person that you are going to give them the opportunity to calm down and, once they do so, you will be happy to resume the discussion.
Of course, if you feel that you are in immediate danger, you should leave without feeling the need to explain yourself.
It should go without saying but, nobody has the right to cause you any physical harm. Neither do they have the right to threaten to do so. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe that they will follow through on the threat or, if you think you can handle yourself in a physical dispute.
If the conversation has reached that low point, the problem is not going to be solved while that mood prevails. So, walk away and, if you feel the need, talk with the person when they are in a calmer mood.
Verbal and mental abuse should not be tolerated either. Apart from the pain and upset it can cause, somebody who is in that mood is not looking to resolve the situation; at least not amicably. Do not tolerate it. Walk away.
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