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當朋友變成敵人
What You Can Do When Your BFF Turns Into Your Worst Enemy
psychologytoday.com
Bethany*, a mother of two, told me that her best friend had suddenly abandoned her: “I don’t understand. One day we're closer than sisters, and the next, we're not speaking.”
Liane, a preschool teacher, said, “My best friend just stabbed me in the back. How could that happen?”
Keisha, an account executive, said, “Stuff has been going on at work, and everybody’s tense. But my closest friend at the office and I always said we’d get through it together. And now I find out she has thrown me under the bus.”
"Frenemies," the popular term for best friends who become enemies, is usually used in reference to teen relationships. But both in my psychotherapy practice and in interviews I did for my new book about women’s friendships,** I heard over and over again about this painful and sometimes surprising reversal in the lives of women of all ages, all over the world. And the anecdotes are backed up by scientific research: According to a study reported in Jan Yager’s book about friendship, 68 percent of people interviewed had been betrayed by a friend at some point. But with frenemies, the betrayal can be followed by making up and being BFFs once again, only to have the friendship disrupted and the whole cycle start over again.
How does this happen? Why? And what’s the best way to respond when it happens to you? (One further question: Does it really happen more with women than with men?)
Recent research into something called “friendship chemistry” offers some insight. “Interpersonal chemistry,” a relatively new concept that has been studied in romantic relationships, also exists in friendships, according to a group of psychologists at California State University, San Bernardino. Defined as “an instant emotional and psychological connection between two individuals,” this chemistry can quickly impact whom we connect with and even how that relationship will turn out in the long run.
Psychologist Kelly Campbell and her team conducted interviews and gave out questionnaires to a sample of 688 men and women between 18 and 66 years old. Campbell and her colleagues, Nicole Holderness and Matt Riggs, found five important factors in friendship chemistry:
1. Reciprocal candor, or mutual understanding and easy communication.
2. Mutual interest, or enjoying the same things and even finding the same things funny.
3. Personableness, or being warm and caring, down-to-earth, and genuine.
4. Similarity, as in values, morals, beliefs about life, life goals, and education.
5. Physical attraction.
臉部表情重要
Pleasant Facial Expressions
tutorialspoint
Facial expressions do a majority of the task of conveying information to the other person. An average person may not be able to read the body language of legs or arms. But almost everyone can read the signals displayed on the face of a person. Therefore, it is of high importance that we maintain a good and acceptable facial expression, lest we are hated by everyone for being non- approachable.
The first expression that everyone looks for in a person is the smile. Smile can be rejuvenating, yet deceptive at the same time. A woman with a tight-lipped smile that reveals no teeth is actually symbolic of her lack of interest in the conversation, although it may seem to an average person that she is engrossed in the ongoing talk.
An Original Smile Vs. a Fake Smile
There are many traits of an original smile. Whenever a person smiles naturally, without any voluntary force, wrinkles are created around the eyes. This is because in an original smile, the lip corners are pulled up and the muscles around the eyes are contracted. In a fake smile, only lip movements happen. People giving fake smiles smile only through their mouth and not eyes.
Smile
However, what if the person who you are talking to tries to produce a fake smile by wrinkling his or her eyes voluntarily? There is a trick to identify this as well. When a smile is genuine, the fleshy part of the eye between the eyebrow and the eyelid moves downward and the ends of the eyebrows also dip to a slight extent.
Fake Smile
Research has proved that the more a person smiles, the more positive reaction he/she gets from the others. There is one more way to detect false smiles. When a person tries to fake a smile, the right hemisphere of the brain – the one specializing in facial expressions – sends signals only to the left side of the body. Hence, a fake smile will always be stronger on one side and weaker on the other side. However, in a genuine smile, both parts of the brain send signals and hence, the smile is equally strong on both the sides.
If the person’s eyes are looking away from you, then you must realize that the person is bored of you and it is better to either change the topic of discussion or leave. However, if the lips are slightly pressed, the eyebrows are raised and there is a steady gaze of eyes at you along with the head erect or slightly pushed forward, then this implies interest of the person in you.
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